So, you’re depressed after a breakup or a hard time at work. You’re overwhelmed by an insatiable urge to smear lipstick on your face like warpaint and run into the street, screaming, crying and singing Morrissey songs. Yeah – I mean, we’ve all been there. But follow these pro tips to release that pent up energy without getting yourself stuffed in the back of a paddy wagon or counting the ceiling tiles at the psych ward.
Pro Tip 1: Stab away your troubles at lunch time.
Spare your coworkers from your stabby wrath by “murdering” the plastic film over your microwaveable lunch. The directions read “Pierce film 3 or 4 times before heating,” but you can get away with stabbing it a few dozen times vigorously and still come away with a simmering dish of Trader Joe’s Chana Masala. Bon apetit!
Pro Tip 2: Bobbing for emotional healing.
Take part in an apple-bobbing competition. When your head is immersed in your bucket or pail of water, instead of bobbing for apples, shake your head around and scream as loud as you can. No one will ever know the difference, AND you’ll be the life of the party.
Shouting at the top of your lungs is considered a mark of good manners when you’re conversing with seniors. And you often walk away with armloads of baked goods that they can’t eat because of “The Diabeetis.” A day spent with seniors is good for your soul. Extra points if you know how to “fix their internet” for them.
First, make some bread dough and let it rise in your kitchen, then set the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Next, set up a kickboxing bag in the kitchen and just go to town on it — punching, kicking, and shouting obscenities. When your neighbors call the cops, just point to the rising dough, and say – “Oh—sorry! I was just beating the dough!” Ask the cops to stay for some fresh bread. Have a good, hearty, laugh over the silly misunderstanding.
Go to a horror movie by yourself on the day it releases. As the movie runs, just think about whatever is bothering you. Really let the tension build. When you come to a scary scene in the movie, and the rest of the audience is startled, just let loose with a horrific scream. If people turn and look at you, just say “Sorry! OHMYGOD, So scary.”