I Implore You Never to Use these 6 Words.

Here are six words/terms I could do without, to put it mildly. I originally thought of using the title “Do You Use These Words? Ten Reasons that I’m Coming Over to Your House to Kill You,” but thought better of it. With that said: I am not kidding around, here. These should be expunged from the English language immediately.

panty1. Panties This word is base. It is foul. It is a crass slap in the face to one half of the human race. Men wear pants, and the ladies? Oh, the ladies wear little, teeny-tiny pants, or panties. I have a theory that the original etymological evolution of the word looked something like this: Pants > Teensy pants > pantsies > panties.

Possible Replacements: underpants, underwear, skivvies

05_MAGIC_PANTYHOSE_151_Camel212. Pantyhose I don’t think you can make any decent compound word with “panty” in it. Let’s try: pantyfoot, pantyman, pantytalk. Nope! That said, I think it’s too late to go with the shortened version “hose” at this point, because the panty is strongly implied.

Possible replacements: nylons, tights, lady leg-covers

3. PAP Smear I realize that medical folks are not the most poetic or emotional of people, but could they—just this once—please come up with a euphemism for this procedure that isn’t so precisely descriptive? I mean – smear? Really? We’re fine with saying “rectal exam” instead of “anal poke-around.” Let’s get the smear business changed, and PRONTO. This term has ruined cream cheese for me.

Possible replacements: GynoTest #1, Vagina Look-SeeIMG_0278

4. Transvaginal mesh Does anyone want to join me in a class action suit against the law firms that introduced us to this very unpleasant mental image? Each time I hear it, I am forced to picture a diaphragm/kitchen colander and think about the implications for…er…drainage.

Possible replacements: Well, it sounds like it didn’t work the way it was supposed to, and I’m too terrified to find out what transvaginal mesh actually is… so, can we just stop saying it, altogether? From this time forward, the ads could say “Have you or a loved one suffered damage from hmm hmmhmm hmmm?

gs35. Hubby (and all of it’s derivatives, like “hubs” and “the hub”) Come OFF it, already. This should have gone out with The Newlywed Game. What’s next? Red-faced, giggly references to “making whoopie”?

Possible replacements: my husband, Mike, Dan, JimBob

1280px-Crampon6. Crampons The name for this rugged piece of outdoor gear, worn by such brawny, broad-shouldered mountain-climbing men as Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay, was clearly not vetted by any woman before it was allowed to slip unnoticed into the lexicon. Why would you choose this perfectly-horrid combination of cramp and tampon? Whywhywhy? You can’t just mix words willy-nilly without doing any cross-checking. Do you hear me, pantyman?

Possible replacements:  “Ice Cleats”? Or how about “Climb Clackers”? Good lord, even “Ice boot Strap-Ons” sounds better than the alternative – getting your cramp on. Think about it.

 What else am I missing? I know there must be more…


21 thoughts on “I Implore You Never to Use these 6 Words.

  1. annieemmy

    Crampon? That’s like… an actual THING? Who came up with that one?! Also, I hate “maxi pad”. Why maxi? And why pads? It sounds like jumbo shoulder pads or something… Plus, I just hate the image of diapers that it conjures up. Blech.

      1. Ann St. Vincent

        Just remember it for online dating and hot texting and such…and you can say / write “i’m wearing red panties”. That’s pretty much the only context I use it in.

        Works wonders.


  2. MeglyMc

    Vagina Look-See is now my favorite thing ever, and I’m going to schedule one, just so I can use it prolifically in the days leading up to it, as well as the days following. This is going to become a thing, if it’s the last thing I do.

  3. narcopathcrusher

    Thank you very much for following me ^ ^
    I suggest we add 2 more words:
    1. grannypants. Used for everything that isn’t a tiny thong in order to send your self esteem about both your taste and your age into tartarus
    2. YOLO. From people who choose their breakfast based on how it’s photo will look on the instagram.

  4. smallthingsgood

    You are hilarious. Happy I stumbled upon your blog. I agree with “hubby”, it makes me cringe. Alas I am guilty of both panties (though you did make me laugh pretty hard) and pantyhose. I fail the undergarment test.

  5. Kristy

    Can we add the word “Pus” to this list? Hearing that word just makes me want to throw up for some reason.


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