Technically, I am a straight female. Technically. And I’ve learned enough to get by, and put myself together fairly well. Children do not flee from the sight of my horrible, wizened visage, and all of the rumors about my house made of candy have simmered down at last. That said, I think there are some apparently key skills that I am simply not meant to develop. I share with you: My list of feminine fails.
Styling my hair with clips and other hair accessories.
I have always envied women and girls who are able to maneuver their hair into an effortless bob, chignon or ponytail without the aid of a 3-way mirror and a team of stylists. When I pull my hair up or back, something is always…off. I’m left with either a cone head, a weird bump, or I look like a grown woman who still plays with dolls.
Wearing white clothing
My daily coffee is attracted to a clean canvas. Red wine also enjoys expressing itself in this manner. I’m thinking of patenting a knee-length coffee smock to address this very important issue, which is affecting us as a people.
Posing for Photos
Something about cameras has always terrified me. I remember leaving the room to avoid having my picture taken at birthday parties as a kid. Did I think, as the aboriginal people of Australia do, that it would steal my soul? I don’t know. I just know that it made me feel icky and weird and fake and unhappy.
And so it happened that I never learned to properly pose for photos. I am not one of the many people in the western world who has mastered the art of lifting my chins just so, turning at an attractive angle and giving the camera a charming smile. In every picture, I face forward, do something gawky with my arms, and either smile too enthusiastically or do something weird with my mouth that conveys uncomfortable gas pains.
Walking in Heels
I’m pretty tall (5’ 10”) and was a tom-boy as a kid, so toddling about in high heels never really appealed to me. It still doesn’t, for the most part. If I wear any shoe or boot with a heel higher than 1 inch, it must be a thick heel to distribute my weight properly and keep me from toppling over.
If I do wear fancy shoes to a wedding, they must be Mary Janes or have T-straps to keep them on my feet. Otherwise, I am forced to walk in an awkward, lumbering, stompy fashion, which ruins the whole look I am attempting to achieve. Is there anything more terrifying to your average wedding guest than a 6’2” woman stomping in your direction?
Also on the list of charms that I struggle with:
- Knowing When to Hug People
- Pretending to Like People That I Hate
- Slow Dancing without Leading
I know I have more…