Kicking My Own Dopey Ass Off a Cliff (In a Good Way)

I attended a talk earlier this week – a dialog between a Buddhist shastri and a Unitarian Universalist minister. The talk itself was funny and lovely and interesting. They touched on their personal takes on human nature, spiritualism, and community and ended with the reading of the Mary Oliver poem “The Summer Day.” The poem ends with a question, which we were asked to ponder:

 What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?winding-path

It’s interesting how this question was raised for me right now, given my state of mind. I’m feeling a lack of motivation that I need to overcome. I need to need something. Maybe that something is not love. Maybe it’s achievement. Maybe it’s creating a positive change in the world. But something. Something that starts a fire in my belly and puts a spring in my step.

I’m bored and unmotivated and I’ve been sort of passively awaiting inspiration. It could be that this is the wrong approach, that I should be acting despite my instincts, here. Fake it ‘til I make it, so to speak.

What’s more – come to think of it, I believe I am actively avoiding or ignoring inspiration. I was invited to join an advanced screenwriting class by a teacher who taught my last class in the spring. It’s been bothering me – this half-written thing. I’d really like to finish it. But for some reason, I am making excuses for ignoring his email. The class will cost money and funds are a little tight. I signed up for a comedy skit writing class that starts in mid-October. I’m in a weekly discussion group that requires reading. I’ve committed to some volunteer work at the meditation center I attend.

These are all good things. They are. I just need to locate my give-a-shit. I seem to have misplaced it. I am this little dopey bird, and I need to be booted off the cliff immediately:

I don’t want to be the dopey bird forever. So does that mean I should sign up for the screenwriting class, finish my screenplay, submit a cartoon to the New Yorker, jump headlong into work, revise some old essays and start submitting them, pay to set up my blog properly, buy some knee-high Doc Martens and just hold my breath and do it all? To hell with the expenses and never mind how many hours are actually in a day. Just fucking do the stuff that you want to do because honestly you do have the energy, you just need to get your ass into gear and find your get-up-and-go.

Just decide to kick ass at everything. All of the things. Enough of this sitting on my ass and hiding in plain sight. If I fail, at least I will fail spectacularly.

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8 thoughts on “Kicking My Own Dopey Ass Off a Cliff (In a Good Way)

  1. Twindaddy

    The problem with misplacing your give-a-shit, is that you don’t give a shit that you don’t give a shit. It’s a terrible conundrum. I give a shit that you don’t give a shit, so, um, I’m really just giving a shit about how many times I can say give-a-shit now. Do you even give a shit that I give a shit? Of course, not, that’s a stupid question. You lost your give-a-shit. Okay, I think I’ve lost interest in this now.

    On a serious note (finally), I think you’ll come out of this funk. We all get in these ruts.

    Reply
    1. notesfromthebathroomfloor Post author

      Exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head, Twindaddy. I have this vague sense that I *should* feel something and a twinge of self-hatred for my lack of “give-a-shit-atude.” But meh–who gives a shit. :-/

      Thanks for getting it.

      Reply
  2. movingliquid

    NFTBF, if I do too much at once I become overwhelmed and then feel like giving up on everything so I would not be able to do all those kick-ass things at once, but that’s me. You might thrive on it. And I would definitely pick up the Doc Martins if possible because they take a long time to break in! But seriously, I think you did just kick yourself off the cliff and I think you do give a shit — you just proved it by writing this. Sometimes the challenge lies in having such a wide playing field, so to speak, narrow it down if you need to.

    You wrote, “Maybe that something is not love. Maybe it’s achievement. Maybe it’s creating a positive change in the world.”

    Now that I sure do relate to. Lately I have realized how competitive I am and how I badly I want a chance to succeed at a business and how much I want to step up and be the matriarch of my family. I think there’s been a tycoon/mogul trapped inside me for my entire life. I’m really excited (when I’m not terrified) to set her free and see what she can do. I regret I never gave myself this opportunity before.

    I think immersing myself in business is a good use of my time since it won’t allow me to think much about whether I’ll find love again, etc. I’m on that quest of finding out who I really am and taking a break from molding myself after my spouse.

    Whatever you do, I suspect you’ll find great satisfaction in the process of achieving.

    Reply
    1. notesfromthebathroomfloor Post author

      Movingliquid,

      Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m still on the fence about the added class for exactly the reasons you mention. I have a tendency to go “all in” that can be good or bad. I need balance. 🙂

      Reply

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