10 Reasons Not to Date Me

 Here are ten important facts about me that have led me to abstain from dating. You’re welcome for not foisting myself upon the single straight men of the world.

1. I don’t believe in anything, and I’m not a very good liar. So if I’m the person with you in your last moments on earth, I probably won’t make you feel hopeful or comfortable with your mortality. I might even make you feel worse.

2. I take pleasure in being cranky, and I have no intention of changing this. I revel in my misery.

3. I don’t eat meat or poultry or fish, so steak and seafood restaurants are out. Also, mushrooms make me feel like someone took a fireplace bellows and pumped my stomach with air. It’s unpleasant.

4. I’m allergic to cats and dust and probably my own boogies.mrwiggles


5. I live in Boston, stubbornly, despite despising cold weather and feeling no love for snow. I take sick pleasure in driving maniacally in the city. I love this city. Because I love pain, apparently. It feeds me.  I am a study in creative masochism.

6. I form weird alliances with inanimate objects which, when crossed, put you on my enemies list. You must understand and accept my long-standing relationships with: My ancient and wonderful Camry, my grandfather’s steamer trunk, my weird, fluffy grey zip-up cardigan sweater.

IMG_04287. Sometimes I read great literature and enjoy theater and the arts. But I am not above binging on the worst television ever produced by man. I fall into a trap, lured by dark fascination, then subdued by laziness, schadenfreude, and sense of superiority over the morons that parade across my screen.





8. I might murder you. Sometimes, when I’m sitting in traffic, standing on the subway platform, or sitting in a meeting, I consider what would happen if I randomly murdered someone for no good reason. So far, I haven’t acted on the impulse. So far.

9. I may or may not have bored a snail to death. I live alone with some plants, and an aquarium filled with fish, shrimp, and frogs. I had a snail. He committed suicide after several attempts last year. I think maybe he saw something through the glass that bothered him, but who knows? I was left with a lot of questions. He went out with the trash, since I didn’t think flushing a snail shell would be a good idea. Maybe that was disrespectful.

10. Without coffee, I am nothing. An empty track suit. A social security number and a dental record. A dying house plant. Without my daily coffee ritual, I am unable to hold a conversation with you, or retain any of the syllables that have been thrown in my direction during that time.



21 thoughts on “10 Reasons Not to Date Me

  1. lifelessons

    I could forgive you for all except your heartless exploitation of your snail’s death, not to mention your lack of sensitivity in not scattering his ashes over your tomato plants.

  2. krazykris71

    I was told recently by a man that he WOULDN”T date me because I drink coffee. I told him not to worry as I’d already figured out he didn’t have a penis and therefore I couldn’t date him. Don’t diss the coffee gods

  3. pscapp

    Maybe the snail’s suicide was a cry for help. In any case if you murdered me on the first date I assume that would effectively rule out date number two.

  4. movingliquid

    OMG, this is hysterical and I share many of your weirdnesses. My first thought upon waking: coffee. I get attached to inanimate objects and get sad when I see people separating a set of bowls who want to be together at the charity shop. How could they take two and leave the other two!? They’ve been together for twenty five years and you’re going to separate them?

    I share your love of occasionally watching horrendous TV. I’d miss it if I had to pretend to be all proper and smart n shit. “Oh no, I NEVER watch reality TV!” While driving (if alone) I’ve been known to say really awful things (the worst curse words ever) at people who just annoy me. So yeah, I’m not dateable either.

  5. Pingback: Things That Made Me Go Hmm… Week 1 | Under and Over, Around and Through

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