I need to find a constructive way to channel my anger. More constructive, that is, than daily insulting Tweets aimed at Trump and occasional baiting of vocal white supremacists online. It’s not wrong to do those things, exactly – but those activities don’t have any real impact. I may as well stroll pass the white house and give Donald the finger.
Oh! I have relevant media to share! Here are a few non-violent ways to express yourself in the coming weeks and months.
Also, call your representatives and let them know what you’d like them to do. Thank them when they do their job. We’ll all get through this together.
The Valentine Finger can be administered on any day of the year, not just the one special day that we set aside each year to exchange Russell Stover’s Creme d’Monstrosities for sex.
What the Valentine Finger communicates to the recipient: Why, yes –I will be enjoying a movie that I want to see at home with a glass of wine and chocolates that I love. And thank you for reminding me how amazing that will be. I do love you, after all.
When to use it: When you are in line behind a bickering couple, when you are standing in front of a hideous Valentine’s Day display, when a bridal bouquet is thrown in your general direction, or when a couple takes their Love-gazey, finger twiddly display out in public.
UP NEXT: #11 – The Delicate Kiss-Off Finger
The Casual Drive-By Finger This variant of the I Don’t Even Have Time For This Finger is best delivered with a wry smile. Here’s your opportunity to incorporate the power of the automobile into a dismissive Fuck You. The finger is held steady from the driver’s side window as you give the horn a couple of soft toots for emphasis.
What the Casual Drive-By Finger communicates to the recipient: I’ve got better places to go and don’t care to spend another moment in the vicinity of your sorry ass. Hope you have a nice day choking on my dust, fucker!
When to use it: Provided you are confident that the recipient is unable to catch you (either because he/she is stuck in traffic or traveling on foot) , and you’re in your car and have a clear path with steady terrain in front of you, the Casual Drive-By Finger is all yours to administer at will. Use it well.
UP NEXT: #10 – The Delicate Kiss-Off Finger
The Showcase Finger Nobody likes a wise ass. Actually, that statement is pure garbage. Any person who is worth spending time with is a wise-ass at least some of the time. And for the dumb-asses that you encounter – you can be sure to share with them the wonders of the Showcase Finger.
What it communicates to the recipient: Oh, we’re playing the finger game? Ok, here’s my finger for you: Tah-dahhh!
When to use it: This would be ideal to use if the recipient is an unlikeable magician, but that’s a scenario that is not likely to present itself. You’re more likely to administer the Showcase Finger to a person who is administering a different variety finger to you. Think of it as the deflector shield of fingers.
UP NEXT: #9 – The Casual Drive-By Finger
The Action Finger There comes a time when the simple administration of a Classic Finger will not provide the specific instructions that you hope to provide to the recipient. When you need to show, not tell.
What it communicates to the recipient: Pay careful attention, asshole. This is the specific speed and method I would like you to use when you go fuck yourself.
When to use it: Sparingly, if ever. The Action Finger walks the line between the ultimate insult and a grossly clinical over-sold gimmick. It should be a quick action – a simple double-thrust will do nicely. Adding further embellishment risks moving you into the category of a gimmick finger, and nobody likes a schmendrick.
NOTE: Women with long nails must avoid the Action Finger altogether. This is not up for debate. Even a single thrust of a manicured fingernail raises all kinds of unpleasant hygiene imaginings, and nobody wants to go down that rabbit hole. Just please abstain.
UP NEXT: #8 – The Showcase Finger
The Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger. In a perfect world, there would be no need for the Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger to exist. Its overt intentional stupidity is an affront to the cool, subtle je ne sais quoi of the Classic Finger. So, unless you are an actual rodeo clown or Randy Quaid, keep the G.A.B holstered, cowboy.
What it communicates to the recipient: Yee-haw! Don’t touch my truck! You cain’t fight good ’cause you done gone to school. Whadayou, gay or somethin’? Yee-haw!
When to use it: The G.A.B. Finger has 2 acceptable uses: Ironic, self-aware administration of the G.A.B is (almost) acceptable with friends and family. Non-ironic use is only acceptable at rodeos, saloons, carnivals, and line-dancing events — and then only by actual assholes.
UP NEXT: #7 – The Action Finger
We live in a society of manners. As such, we cannot flip the finger at every perceived offense and in every situation. There are rules to which we must adhere, else the very fabric of our society will fray and tear like cheap curtains in a sandstorm.
The “Finger? What Finger?” Finger (or the FWF) is a diplomatic tool, to be deployed with cunning and intelligence. If applied deftly, the recipient should be left wondering “Was that..Did she just…Was that the finger?? Meanwhile, non-recipients merely see the giver of the FWF as a thoughtful and polite individual who happens to touch her face when listening intently.
What it communicates to the recipient: Fuck you. This never happened. And, also: fuck you.
When to use it: In mixed polite company, when the finger is meant for a single individual only. For example, you might administer the FWF to your ex in a Kindergarten classroom, or to your sworn enemy across a conference room table during a meeting.
UP NEXT: #6 – The Guns-a-Blazin’ Finger