Category Archives: Advice

Am I Possessed By a Demon? 6 Crucial Questions

Are you feeling a little…off? Concerned about the possibility of a demonic possession? Ask yourself these 6 questions before performing any rituals to banish evil beings to the infinite, dark purgatory from whence they came.

girl-eating-raw-meat1. What are my eating habits?

Have you taken your paleo diet to extremes, binging on live farm animals and forsaking vegetables altogether? When you do consume simple grains and vegetables, do you find yourself projectile vomiting the contents of your lunch in a 360-degree pattern around the edge of the room without moving your torso? It might be time to purge servant of Beelzebub that has chosen your body as host in the mortal sphere.

scared-mailman2. Have I experienced voice changes?

Does your voice ever change pitch dramatically to a gravelly bass in the middle of a conversation with the bank teller or postman? So embarrassing! Keep in mind that voice changes may just indicate seasonal allergies, not the wrath of a demon whose name shall never be spoken. You might find a humidifier helpful in the short term.



3. Have my feet changed appearance?

Everyone’s feet get tired and cracked, especially if you’ve recently changed your fitness routine. But put down the pumice stone and see an exorcist if your feet suddenly become hoofed or cloven. No amount of lotion can salve the limbs of the Dark Lord’s minions.IMG_0338

505c7a14h.300id.8449m.fillw_24. Has my taste in music suddenly and inexplicably changed?

If you find yourself singing in an ancient language that is incomprehensible at a pitch that cannot be registered by mortals, it might be time to see a priest or shaman.

 

5. Is my face breaking out?

As if you don’t have enough problems, right? Few people realize that adult-onset acne is one of the common signs of demonic possession.

images (1)6. How are others behaving toward me?

Are children running from your terrifying visage when you approach? Have family members tied you to a bed and called a priest or shaman in for a friendly visit? You may be the mortal host to an evil demon or poltergeist. Talk to your doctor.

50 Ways to Give the Finger: #3 – The Mutually-Acknowledged Finger

IMG_0329The Mutually Acknowledged Finger. I see you, you see me, and we both see this finger.

The MAF is a thing of beauty, but is only to be used sparingly. If you walk or drive around giving people the MAF on the regular, you are essentially begging to be run off the road or arrested. Ideally the recipient will be smaller than you physically. Are you a petite person in a Honda Fit? Put that finger away, my friend. The MAF is not for you.

What it communicates to the recipient: Look at me. I am saying fuck you. To you. We both know what this means. You can’t run from this finger. I am fearless and a little crazy.

When to use it: Use the MAF sparingly, and only when your physical safety is assured. Example: The recipient is being placed in handcuffs and pushed into the back of police vehicle.

Up Next: #4: The Mental Finger

What’s on Your No List?

When preparing to enter the dating world, it is important to know what you are looking for, and –perhaps more importantly — what you hope to avoid. There are obvious traits that everyone should try to avoid (Pathological liars, violent drug abusers, racists and video-game addicts come to mind).

But I have an additional list of rules for a prospective partner. These are the identifying traits of men with whom I know I will not get along. It’s not meant to offend anyone — We’re each of us special, unique snowflakes with different tastes. But, still: some of the snowflakes are not for me, and it’s better to know that ahead of time. Right? Continue reading

Feeling Stabby? 5 Pro Tips To Help You Discreetly Unleash Your Rage

So, you’re depressed after a breakup or a hard time at work. You’re overwhelmed by an insatiable urge to smear lipstick on your face like warpaint and run into the street, screaming, crying and singing Morrissey songs. Yeah – I mean, we’ve all been there. But follow these pro tips to release that pent up energy without getting yourself stuffed in the back of a paddy wagon or counting the ceiling tiles at the psych ward.

Pro Tip 1: Stab away your troubles at lunch time. Continue reading

Kiss My Bliss: 6 Secrets to Ignoring Trendy Self-Help Advice

 

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1. Keep the Post-Its to a minimum.
When you are in the thick of trauma, and in need of a lift, I whole-heartedly support writing yourself little notes to get you through the day. “You are a good person, and a loyal friend.” –Yes. You are. Good for you. I think so, too.

But if you find yourself plastering so many happy notes around your bathroom mirror that your bathroom wall is now a yellow and pastel blue decoupage of self-esteem building, you have gone too far. You’ve crossed the Rubicon into Crazytown, Population: You.

And, hey – it’s ok. I totally get it. I love you, too. But let’s take those down and start moving forward, and into the world. We have all been there. No judgement.

2. You can judge a self-help book by its cover. Here are some tips.

Continue reading