Are you feeling a little…off? Concerned about the possibility of a demonic possession? Ask yourself these 6 questions before performing any rituals to banish evil beings to the infinite, dark purgatory from whence they came.
1. What are my eating habits?
Have you taken your paleo diet to extremes, binging on live farm animals and forsaking vegetables altogether? When you do consume simple grains and vegetables, do you find yourself projectile vomiting the contents of your lunch in a 360-degree pattern around the edge of the room without moving your torso? It might be time to purge servant of Beelzebub that has chosen your body as host in the mortal sphere.
Does your voice ever change pitch dramatically to a gravelly bass in the middle of a conversation with the bank teller or postman? So embarrassing! Keep in mind that voice changes may just indicate seasonal allergies, not the wrath of a demon whose name shall never be spoken. You might find a humidifier helpful in the short term.
Everyone’s feet get tired and cracked, especially if you’ve recently changed your fitness routine. But put down the pumice stone and see an exorcist if your feet suddenly become hoofed or cloven. No amount of lotion can salve the limbs of the Dark Lord’s minions.
4. Has my taste in music suddenly and inexplicably changed?
If you find yourself singing in an ancient language that is incomprehensible at a pitch that cannot be registered by mortals, it might be time to see a priest or shaman.
5. Is my face breaking out?
As if you don’t have enough problems, right? Few people realize that adult-onset acne is one of the common signs of demonic possession.
Are children running from your terrifying visage when you approach? Have family members tied you to a bed and called a priest or shaman in for a friendly visit? You may be the mortal host to an evil demon or poltergeist. Talk to your doctor.