Category Archives: Random thoughts

It’s Winter in Boston. Time to Crack UP.

Screen Shot 2015-02-06 at 1.20.36 AMThat special time is here! Bring on the Netflix and red wine! It’s time for the cold and snow of winter to finally push me to my breaking point.

The end of my driveway is marked on either side by an 8-foot hill of frozen, dirty snow that extends 7 feet into the road. The driveway mounds are massive. There could be people in there, in all honesty. In order to get out of my driveway, I need to maneuver carefully around those monsters with a 12-point white-knuckled blind turn.

What is the rational response to this frigid claustrophobia? I don’t know, but my irrational response is impotent rage. I’ve kept it under wraps so far, but my inner monologue goes like this: “Ngahhh! Beep-beep! Whores!! Hatehatehate!”

I want you to find a recent weather map. Got it? Ok – Is it just me or does some angry god have a vendetta against the Boston area? It just keeps coming, and every storm is aimed at us. Also note that we have a charming historic transit system that breaks down in the cold, just like it did in 1897. History comes to life!

There is nowhere to put this snow. Nowhere. This much is clear. You can shovel snow and throw it on top of the nearest snow mound, only to have it roll off the mound and back down to your feet, as if to mock you. I waved to my elderly neighbor yesterday as he essentially poked weakly at the end of his own 8-foot driveway mound with a shovel. I felt sad for him. For all of us.

It’s cold. It’s going to get colder, somehow. And the weather people show open disdain for commoners like me . I read headlines like “Think It’s Cold? Just Wait ‘Til You See What We Have in Store For the Weekend!” Fuck you, cheerful weather man. Right in the eye. Right. In. The. Eye.

Also, I’m trying to write a screenplay that tells the story of a depressed, recently divorced woman and her miserable winter in Boston. It’s a dark comedy. Write what you know, they say.

I apologize for the rant. And for the weirdness. I stand by the weather man thing, though.

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The Murderous, Boring, Beige Moods Of January

I want to say something about the bleak days of January. But damn it, that’s a hard thing to do when all you want to do is lie on your couch in a fleece space suit watching Investigation Discovery and tossing Trader Joes’ Cheese puffs into your food hole.

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Life Prize! It Could Happen To YOU!

I found this idea in the Notes app on my phone, dated November 5. I only vaguely remember writing it. I was either drunk and in a cab or falling asleep and away from my computer, so clearly I’m not really in the contention for Life Prize.

Life Prize! I spend a certain amount of time eating fruits and veggies and jogging and not drinking. I cancel cable. I apply positive psychology principles.

krispies guysAfter I pass a certain threshold, the Rice Krispies guys come alive and congratulate me. Life Prize!

It’s like Scientology: Secrets will be revealed. I’ll get to meet celebrities who’ve also achieved Life Prize. None of them are super interesting, except maybe Paul McCartney. Turns out he’s a bit of a tool.

Then I do something to fuck up my Life Prize, maybe on purpose. They have to drug me so I don’t remember that there’s a better life out there. I stare at the TV and eat Mac & Cheese with a serving spoon.