The Mutually Acknowledged Finger. I see you, you see me, and we both see this finger.
The MAF is a thing of beauty, but is only to be used sparingly. If you walk or drive around giving people the MAF on the regular, you are essentially begging to be run off the road or arrested. Ideally the recipient will be smaller than you physically. Are you a petite person in a Honda Fit? Put that finger away, my friend. The MAF is not for you.
What it communicates to the recipient: Look at me. I am saying fuck you. To you. We both know what this means. You can’t run from this finger. I am fearless and a little crazy.
When to use it: Use the MAF sparingly, and only when your physical safety is assured. Example: The recipient is being placed in handcuffs and pushed into the back of police vehicle.
The “I-don’t- even-have-time-for-this” Finger The key to the “I Don’t Even” is the lack of eye contact, because you have places to go, damn it. This form of Fuck You is the equivalent of blowing smoke in the recipient’s face and then turning back to your conversation. Sorry, I had to deal with a moron. Where were we?
What it communicates to the recipient: I have given a shit about many things in my life, but your insignificant ass hardly registers as a blip on my “Fuck That” radar.
When to use it: Stuck in Pike traffic and some moron in a Prius is up your ass with his horn? Flip him the “I Don’t Even.” Getting catcalls from half-drunk college dudes while walking in Kenmore Square? Those dudes deserve the education that an “I Don’t Even” can provide.
Who am I why am I here and what does it all mean and should this be punctuated?
Other people blog about all of the fabulous, exciting sex that is apparently waiting to be plucked from the tree of life. I should be a cougar, right? I should be sitting at the end of a bar ordering rusty nails and wooing the next generation of Benjamin Braddocks into my lady lair. Why doesn’t that appeal to me? Am I neutered now? Did that happen? Have I become some sort of asexual freak? Aagh. I need to go red lipstick and shiny jumpsuit shopping tomorrow. This shit isn’t funny any more.Continue reading →
Thomas Edison famously claimed that genius was “One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” It’s pithy, and I appreciate the sentiment — I really do. Clearly Mr. Edison was a genius and a successful man. But it also sounds to me like a relentless douchebag congratulated himself for being a such a relentless douchebag. And the world shouted “hooray,” because we love that shit.
Never give in. Never say die. Never give in the overwhelming might of the enemy. Never, never never. Never give up hope. Do not go gentle into that goodnight. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. It’s as American as apple pie and Mighty Mouse and Super-Sized energy drinks.