The Valentine Finger can be administered on any day of the year, not just the one special day that we set aside each year to exchange Russell Stover’s Creme d’Monstrosities for sex.
What the Valentine Finger communicates to the recipient: Why, yes –I will be enjoying a movie that I want to see at home with a glass of wine and chocolates that I love. And thank you for reminding me how amazing that will be. I do love you, after all.
The Casual Drive-By Finger This variant of the I Don’t Even Have Time For This Finger is best delivered with a wry smile. Here’s your opportunity to incorporate the power of the automobile into a dismissive Fuck You. The finger is held steady from the driver’s side window as you give the horn a couple of soft toots for emphasis.
What the Casual Drive-By Finger communicates to the recipient: I’ve got better places to go and don’t care to spend another moment in the vicinity of your sorry ass. Hope you have a nice day choking on my dust, fucker!
When to use it: Provided you are confident that the recipient is unable to catch you (either because he/she is stuck in traffic or traveling on foot) , and you’re in your car and have a clear path with steady terrain in front of you, the Casual Drive-By Finger is all yours to administer at will. Use it well.
The Showcase FingerNobody likes a wise ass. Actually, that statement is pure garbage. Any person who is worth spending time with is a wise-ass at least some of the time. And for the dumb-asses that you encounter – you can be sure to share with them the wonders of the Showcase Finger.
What it communicates to the recipient: Oh, we’re playing the finger game? Ok, here’s my finger for you: Tah-dahhh!
When to use it: This would be ideal to use if the recipient is an unlikeable magician, but that’s a scenario that is not likely to present itself. You’re more likely to administer the Showcase Finger to a person who is administering a different variety finger to you. Think of it as the deflector shield of fingers.
The Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger. In a perfect world, there would be no need for the Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger to exist. Its overt intentional stupidity is an affront to the cool, subtle je ne sais quoi of the Classic Finger. So, unless you are an actual rodeo clown or Randy Quaid, keep the G.A.B holstered, cowboy.
What it communicates to the recipient: Yee-haw! Don’t touch my truck! You cain’t fight good ’cause you done gone to school. Whadayou, gay or somethin’? Yee-haw!
When to use it: The G.A.B. Finger has 2 acceptable uses: Ironic, self-aware administration of the G.A.B is (almost) acceptable with friends and family. Non-ironic use is only acceptable at rodeos, saloons, carnivals, and line-dancing events — and then only by actual assholes.
We live in a society of manners. As such, we cannot flip the finger at every perceived offense and in every situation. There are rules to which we must adhere, else the very fabric of our society will fray and tear like cheap curtains in a sandstorm.
The “Finger? What Finger?” Finger (or the FWF) is a diplomatic tool, to be deployed with cunning and intelligence. If applied deftly, the recipient should be left wondering “Was that..Did she just…Was that the finger?? Meanwhile, non-recipients merely see the giver of the FWF as a thoughtful and polite individual who happens to touch her face when listening intently.
What it communicates to the recipient: Fuck you. This never happened. And, also: fuck you.
When to use it: In mixed polite company, when the finger is meant for a single individual only. For example, you might administer the FWF to your ex in a Kindergarten classroom, or to your sworn enemy across a conference room table during a meeting.
On the Kung Fu television series, Master Kan advised Caine, his young student, that “Weakness prevails over strength. Gentleness conquers. Become the calm and restful breeze that tames the violent sea.”
Administration of the Mental Finger is an exercise in self-control. It is not for the weak- willed, and can take many years of training to master. The Mental Finger is used when a Continue reading →
The Mutually Acknowledged Finger. I see you, you see me, and we both see this finger.
The MAF is a thing of beauty, but is only to be used sparingly. If you walk or drive around giving people the MAF on the regular, you are essentially begging to be run off the road or arrested. Ideally the recipient will be smaller than you physically. Are you a petite person in a Honda Fit? Put that finger away, my friend. The MAF is not for you.
What it communicates to the recipient: Look at me. I am saying fuck you. To you. We both know what this means. You can’t run from this finger. I am fearless and a little crazy.
When to use it: Use the MAF sparingly, and only when your physical safety is assured. Example: The recipient is being placed in handcuffs and pushed into the back of police vehicle.