The Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger. In a perfect world, there would be no need for the Guns-A-Blazin’ Finger to exist. Its overt intentional stupidity is an affront to the cool, subtle je ne sais quoi of the Classic Finger. So, unless you are an actual rodeo clown or Randy Quaid, keep the G.A.B holstered, cowboy.
What it communicates to the recipient: Yee-haw! Don’t touch my truck! You cain’t fight good ’cause you done gone to school. Whadayou, gay or somethin’? Yee-haw!
When to use it: The G.A.B. Finger has 2 acceptable uses: Ironic, self-aware administration of the G.A.B is (almost) acceptable with friends and family. Non-ironic use is only acceptable at rodeos, saloons, carnivals, and line-dancing events — and then only by actual assholes.
We live in a society of manners. As such, we cannot flip the finger at every perceived offense and in every situation. There are rules to which we must adhere, else the very fabric of our society will fray and tear like cheap curtains in a sandstorm.
The “Finger? What Finger?” Finger (or the FWF) is a diplomatic tool, to be deployed with cunning and intelligence. If applied deftly, the recipient should be left wondering “Was that..Did she just…Was that the finger?? Meanwhile, non-recipients merely see the giver of the FWF as a thoughtful and polite individual who happens to touch her face when listening intently.
What it communicates to the recipient: Fuck you. This never happened. And, also: fuck you.
When to use it: In mixed polite company, when the finger is meant for a single individual only. For example, you might administer the FWF to your ex in a Kindergarten classroom, or to your sworn enemy across a conference room table during a meeting.
On the Kung Fu television series, Master Kan advised Caine, his young student, that “Weakness prevails over strength. Gentleness conquers. Become the calm and restful breeze that tames the violent sea.”
Administration of the Mental Finger is an exercise in self-control. It is not for the weak- willed, and can take many years of training to master. The Mental Finger is used when a Continue reading →
The Mutually Acknowledged Finger. I see you, you see me, and we both see this finger.
The MAF is a thing of beauty, but is only to be used sparingly. If you walk or drive around giving people the MAF on the regular, you are essentially begging to be run off the road or arrested. Ideally the recipient will be smaller than you physically. Are you a petite person in a Honda Fit? Put that finger away, my friend. The MAF is not for you.
What it communicates to the recipient: Look at me. I am saying fuck you. To you. We both know what this means. You can’t run from this finger. I am fearless and a little crazy.
When to use it: Use the MAF sparingly, and only when your physical safety is assured. Example: The recipient is being placed in handcuffs and pushed into the back of police vehicle.
The “I-don’t- even-have-time-for-this” Finger The key to the “I Don’t Even” is the lack of eye contact, because you have places to go, damn it. This form of Fuck You is the equivalent of blowing smoke in the recipient’s face and then turning back to your conversation. Sorry, I had to deal with a moron. Where were we?
What it communicates to the recipient: I have given a shit about many things in my life, but your insignificant ass hardly registers as a blip on my “Fuck That” radar.
When to use it: Stuck in Pike traffic and some moron in a Prius is up your ass with his horn? Flip him the “I Don’t Even.” Getting catcalls from half-drunk college dudes while walking in Kenmore Square? Those dudes deserve the education that an “I Don’t Even” can provide.
The Classic Finger. Every genre and fashion has its “Classic” : the old stand-by that never fails to do the job. This finger is the jeans and T-shirt of middle fingers. It’s the dependable Chevy of rude gestures. Its style is found in its lack of embellishment. Form over function. If you only have one go-to style of finger flip, this one is for you. A classic is never out of style.
What it communicates to the recipient: I hate you because you are hate-able. Go away.
When to use it: General use acceptable. At social events, in traffic, in line at the grocery store, with friends and family.